sobrang nakakatamad...umuulan...madilim ang langit...

pag-gising ko nga kanina ayoko pa talaga bumangon kasi malamig...madilim... ansarap matulog...

pagdating ko ofis...ndi pako naka-kape...bad trip. tpos sa sobrang antok ko...habang binabasa ko yung training document na AKO MISMO ANG GUMAWA...ndi ko namalayan na nakatulog nako.

pambihirang patis...tinulugan ko SARILI KONG GAWA...pano pa kaya pag binasa ng iba yun...dang.

tapos nung lunch nag-SEX kami. that's right. andami namin non. sa may BF...

Haha... sarap pala mag-sex.. eh pano libre eh tatanggi bako?... lalo tuloy masarap. HAHAH.

oo try nyo... Sinangag Express sa BF Parañaque. o ano...kala nyo ah.......

pagdating opis.....tulog uli ako hahaha. soooooooo boring.

my ofismate na nagresign last friday... c papa chaps. i love that guy. shet..ndi man lang nagpaalam.

anyway he just got back para daw mag-"turnover" hahaha. wala nako ka-group hug. pesteng yun umalis-alis pa kasi. sbi ko bumalik na sya sa Anxa...sbi nya wag na lang eh aalis din nman daw ako next year...sino na daw kagroup hug nya...

eh sbi ko......kukunin ko nman sya sa canada... fiance visa...hahahaha. pakasal kami...pero kontrata lang......walang sex. hahahah.

sbi nila...ano yun magbabayad b daw c chaps.......sbi naman ng ungas sex na lang ang bayad. pucha. ano ba yan! sbi ko...magsex na lng sya sa BF...masarap pa hehehe.

anyshit.......wala lang kasi ako magawa......i miss my baby so much. but i don't know kng.....ano mangyayari samen.....ang gulo ng utak nya....ano ba talaga gus2 nya.................i'm so friggin depressed....

buti pa mga guys...madaling mag-move on. if this thing turns out really bad.......i guess i'll try my best again to move on. dati nagawa ko nman eh....magawa ko pa kaya sana.................=.(

Breakdown
by Mariah Carey (feat. Bone Thugs N' Harmony)

(Krayzie Bone)
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down

You called yesterday
To basically say...
That you care for me but...
That you're just not in love
Immediately I pretended to be
Feeling similarly
And led you to believe
I was... ok to just... walk away from the
One thing that's unyielding and sacred to me

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm...
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal...
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

So what do you do when...
Somebody you're so devoted to
Suddenly just stops loving you
And it seems they haven't got a clue...
Of the pain that rejection is putting you through
Do you cling to your pride...
And sing "I Will Survive"
Do you lash out and say
How dare you leave this way...
Do you hold on in vain
As they just slip away...

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm...
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal...
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

(Krayzie Bone)
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down
Break, breakdown
Steady breaking me on down

(Wish Bone)
Better break it down
Only if you let it
Everyday the situation is rockin' my mind
Tryin' to break me down
But i won't let it
Forget it ( forget it)

(Krayzie Bone)
I'll be feelin' like it gonna break me down
Turnin' me around
Stressin' me out
I'm thinkin it gonna get out
And let me release some stress ( stress )

(Wish Bone)
Don't ever wanna feel no pain ( pain )
Hoping for the sun
But it looks like rain ( rain, rain, rain )
Oh, i just wanna maintain

(Krayzie Bone)
Yeah, i'm feelin' precious, yo
But nevertheless Krayzie won't fall
It's over, it's ending here... here

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm...
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal...
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm...
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal...
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry

Well I guess I'm trying to be nonchalant about it
And I'm going to extremes
To prove I'm fine without you
But in reality I'm...
Slowly losing my mind
Underneath the guise of smile
Gradually I'm dying inside
Friends ask me how I feel
And I lie convincingly
Cause I don't want to reveal...
The fact that I'm suffering
So I wear my disguise
Til I go home at night
And turn down all the lights
And then I breakdown and cry...

why? WHY? why am i so fuckin stubborn???

why do i keep on going back to where i was before.....emotionally????

oh yah. coz i love him. right.

and i do. i love him to death.

but why? WHY DID IT COME TO THIS??????

finally...i got to know the truth. the fuckin painful truth. it was.........it did sting somehow. but what hurt me the most...was the way he handled it.

i thought i can only see it in the movies....how life can be so unfair. how life bites back. how life can really pull a person down.

i thought i can only see it in the movies......where one can really have a breakdown......and shout to the skies....w/ that overly dramatic way of cursing the heavens.....kneeling down on the ground........ screaming at the top of your lungs....

WHHHHHYYYYYYYY?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! WAAAHHH.

but somehow...that made me laugh. hahahah. i can't believe it's happening to me.

im dis close to breaking down..dis close..the gap between these 2 dots..

isang kalabit lang...wahh BAM ZAP BOOM M DEAD.

and somehow....in spite of the harshness of it all......i feel loved. i feel strong....when he's strong.

when he's weak...i'm weak.

but...ENOUGH IS ENOUGH.

i'm tired of hiding and sacrificing our relationship for 'their' sake.

so i gave him an ultimatum.......

friday is the deadline. or more like...doomsday...

we'll see wat happens til then....

God help me....save me.

hey, i just finished building the fanlisting for "tattooed on my mind" by d'sound. join kayo ha... i know you guys love that song.

http://fan.empty-words.net/tattooed/

thanks!

funny...i have this batchmate for almost 10 yrs sa seton... he was my seatmate nong grade 4 ako...and then nong 4th yr hs ako.

nong 4th yr hs.....somehow...he developed this crush on me...

and NOW...he sent me a msg sa frendster after so many years na walang contact........

he txted me last night...and then hours ago.....asking how i was...

and then....he asked, "is it ok if i tell u i missed you?"

and i'm like...."y r you asking for my permission....you just said it..."

what the pt right? oh well...

and then...he said..."2 b honest w u....i actually still think of u"

?????

like he never got over me or something.

i was overly flattered....but really shocked and...kinda freaked out.

i mean... that was like 5 years ago! we never talked or met each other since 4th yr hs.

he did try to make a move...but he was so discreet and shy and it freaked me out! hahaha...i'm soooo weird.

i guess i want a guy who's more.....outspoken...and direct and...kinda aggressive.

but he said something much worse.....

he said, he did so many things just to see me.

and i'm like ........................

wat the hell?

and then...he apologizes. as if that would make me forget about what he just told me.

and then he said, "i hope ndi ka mailang....wala lang yun...."

wala lang ung cnbi nya. WALA LANG!?

UH..OK.

i mean...i don't want to assume anything here....and i don't want to be "feeling" nman...but i don't want to be naive.

so i guess all i can say right now nga is....uhhhh... OK.

this is the longest time na quiet kami....ndi kami gano ngttxtan....bilang na bilang......
record breaker....
i swear i'm dying inside coz i want so bad to text him and talk to him but i can't na.....
i'm just so scared magkagulo na nman.....
i just hope.....he's not mad.....or he's not hurt......
my heart has been broken so baaadly before...
that's why.....konting ANO lang.......nasasaktan agad ako...o natatakot ako agad.
gabi-gabi...araw-araw....i cry because i miss him....and i want to text him and ask how he is....
i don't want him to think i don't care about him anymore.......i love him so much!
i'm so sorry by....
i'm really really sorry.....
i feel like i'm pushing him away..........and i'm starting to hate myself na...
fuck....it's my fault what happened before......and i guess i have to accept the conseequences....
i just don't know if i can really accept the idea of losin him......i just can't im sorry...
i can't.

so lately...i feel worn-out...

these past few days... i went through a really grave, fast, and exhausting emotional ride... one day i'm down... i go up.... weeks after i'm down again... then up. if i have to compare it to a real rollercoaster... it would be the Kingda Ka roller coaster located at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Didn't mean to plug the coaster or theme park there...but i heard it's the tallest and fastest roller coaster on the planet. i have NEVER dared to ride big roller coasters... but i can just imagine it feels like it's going to be a suicide. anyway, it's just soooo hard to take a time out and breathe....

i always have this fear inside my chest......and it just won't go away. i'm so pissed i can't even understand why i always feel this way. it's so sad and weird for me sometimes...everytym i cross the street...it's like i'm always telling to myself..."yeah just run over me you bastards"

i can't help feeling this way......suicidal b ang pota. haha.

wats worse.... you love somebody.... and yet you doubt him. you doubt yourself... you doubt your happines... your love. sometimes i can't help but be really sad and cry and sulk at every corner of our haus. it's just so pathetic...and yet all i know is to love is to be pathetic sometimes. you wallow in your insecurities.......and you end up pitying yourself. ugh. should that be part of being in-love... or should it be part of loving someone? even if you think it's true love?

what is true love?????? true love is when you love and what? end up getting old together...? or can it be felt even if you don't end up with that someone? then how would you classify love as TRUE? when both of you are true to yourselves? when you tell someone what you TRULY feel? that you TRULY love them? that you will only tell them the TRUTH? or did mankind just came up with this term for absolutely no fucking reason at all? maybe they just want us to seek for what we think IS true love for us... but we end up questioning it again. WHAT IS TRUE LOVE? i loved this person...i loved him/her deeply...it's true love...but he/she ended up marrying someone else....but i still love him/her and i'm happy for him/her??? FUCK THAT. THAT'S TRUE LOVE?!??!?

well...i felt that...

ahhh i see.......now i understand. yes, yes... true love exists. they always say "truth hurts..." and when it's true love... in the end... you may still feel love but it can still hurt you... in one way or another. so i should not feel pathetic... rather, i should feel... happy... that the truth...came to me at all.

sobra nagiba tlaga ang ihip ng hangin...

bigla parang..........ngbago sya.

weird. i cant explain how...bt...i can see it very clearly...and it's really weird.

i hope this time...it's for real.

and 2morow il c him agen. fuck.

breathe in...breathe out.

asan na ba kmi...

ang hirap pala ng ganito...

pero it's just so funny how we really hold on to each other...

parang wala nang bukas. w/c is a gud thing right? =.(

i only have one wish...but i'm afraid again it won't come true.

ok fine...i'll just hope then...

i HOPE... i get to spend my last Christmas here in the Philippines... w/ him. i love you so much baby ko.

this is what everyone wants right!?

well guess what... YOU WON!!!

people (and fuckin things around us) who just wants us separated.

YOU FUCKIN WON!!!

there! YOU FUCKIN HAPPY?!?! he's gone!

aren't you just soo ecstatic??

nikki LOST.

she's now miserable. HAHA.

funny. how can you fuckin lose if it's not a game.

oh well...the important thing here is i'm not happy anymore.

everybody hates him... everybody wants him out of my life.

YOUR WISH IS MY COMMAND.

fuck! i love my life. I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAPPY!!!

I HOPE EVERYONE IS SO FUCKIN CONTENTED NOW.

my whole body is so sore.

i'm so sorry for everything.

i love you so much anjelo. i love you so much baby ko.

I need an escape...and my new interest and inspiration is JD Fortune.

MY GAAAWD...he's yummy. I can just eat him alive!!!

Next year I'll be in Canada... here comes mama! Haha.

I love this guy so much..........

Hey...yeah...he looks like........*ahem* someone I knew back then.......*dreamy eyes*.... who was that again??? Kwek??

*Ubo*Papa*Skinhead*Ubo* LOL.

...not seeing him for a couple of days is already sooo FUCKIN painful...

what more if you know you won't see him for...GOD KNOWS HOW LONG...

WORSE...YOU DON'T KNOW EXACTLY IF YOU'LL EVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

FUUUUUCK! FUCK FUCK FUCK THIS LIFE!!!

I HATE THIS!!!

I FUCKIN HATE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!