i was in atc and anj txted me tawag dw me sa knya agad. ok so ako hanap nman ng fone. buti na lng may payphone sa may digital color sa 3rd level... 5 petot nga lng for 3 friggin minutes. pero nman...sulit din...i got to hear his voice haha.

pag hello eh tanong agad kng nasan ako eh so sbi ko atc ako. wat am i doing daw. di sabi ko nakatayo. tpos bkt daw. haha. pota. ang kulet. so sbi ko, kz im talking 2 him on the phone. so finally i asked why he called...ayun sbi miss lang dw ako...tpos may 'heehee' lagi na tawa. haha. pacute ang pota.

wala lang daw. he misses lng me daw. and den usap usap...mga wala lang na usapan...den i asked again, why nga he wanted me to call, kz mamya may problem nga re our problem. ayun...wala nman daw. he just wanted to say i luv yah daw and he misses me. 'heehee' uli. ako nman tawa ng tawa dumadami na tao sa tabi ko sabi ko ano b yan, un lang pala pinaguusapan naten....parang nahihiya nako so sbi nya, eh bkt ba nakkta ba daw sya. eh sbi ko, eh ako ung nakkta d2 ng mga tao na tawa ng tawa na parang sira haha.

ayun nawala ng konti ang sama ng loob ko. as usual nga tawa ako ng tawa sa mga pinagsasasabi nya...eh wala nman din nakakatawa sa mga cnsbi nya. nakakatawa kasi! puro pa 'heehee' ang tawa nya. parang bata. shyet. ang kulet ng gago leche cute cute! lumiwanag ng konti araw ko. pramis.

but oh men...im back hir in the ofis...back to work. forgot to drink my coffee kaninang breakfast so...yes, hir i am drinking coffee finally. ayoko uminit na nman ulo ko hahaha.

by kung nababasa mo toh...WAG KANG UMANO AT MAGFEELING DYAN HA. pucha. tutuktukan kita. wala lang kasi ako magawa dito sa opis. kilala kita....ssbhin mo na nman everybody wants ur body. *rolls eyes* haha. lagot ka talaga saken pag nakita kita.

aaaagh. ndi tuloy lakad nmin bukas ni anj. pucha.

wala na ngako pera...i feel so down pa...ginulo pako ng pesteng....ano na un......ndi ko pa makkta c anj.....maybe not for another wk pa...........

PUCHA!!!!! WHEN WILL ALL MY MISERIES EVER END?!?!?!?!?!

TANGINA! IM SO CLOSE TO BREAKING DOWN!!!!!!!

ayoko na talaga. im tired and i dont know what to do. i want to cry but im finding it hard to cry....i dont know why. fuck!

can someone pls grab my head and bang it on a wall REAL HARD?! LIKE RIGHT NOW! para matapos na..........

crap! i swear... this week has been the crappiest week EVERRR!!!!!

not only do i feel like killing somebody right now... but i also feel like burning this whole building down. fuck!

ndi nako natahimik sa punyetang....peste talaga. ginugulo nya buhay ko! TUMIGIL KA NAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCKER!!!!!!!

ha! i thought ndi na sasama pa araw ko...pero NDI !!!! TALAGANG KAILANGAN SAGAD-SAGARIN NG TADHANA ANG PAGLULUKSA KO.

i just received my payslip and PUTANGINA anlaki ng kaltas saken. FUCKIN SHIT TALAGA!!!!!!!!

i swear. ndi nako lalabas ng bahay. ndi nako magpapakita kahit kanino. ndi nako kakain! ndi nako gagastos! LECHE!!!!!!!!!

bukas. glorietta here i come. pucha. (sine lang nman at bibili ng sapatos) tangina nman maawa nman kayo saken. pucha... tong sneakers ko eh nong college days pa. pucha tutubuan na ng amag toh!

fuck. i miss anj pa... tangina. ayoko na. pls tama na ang problema!!!!!!!! can i see him? can i hav more money now? can i splurge kahit konti?!?! PARANG PURO HINDI ANG SAGOT!!!!!!!! I CAN HEAR IT ALREADY!!!!!!!

FUUUUUUCK!

my eyes hurt na......=.( wawa nman me.

no one to kiss the booboo =.(

i'm so sad. =.( i miss mah baby pa. =.(

he said he wants to see me sa 27. sweldo na nga pero sasama bako sa lakad nina mama n sis re wedding/abay gowns? or be with mah baby?

pucha. parang napakahirap pumili. DUHHH.

syempre diba mas gus2 mo nang sumama sa mahal mo and be with him the whole fuckin day coz i really fuckin miss him. yun nga lang... should i sacrifice that day just to be with my mom and sis and a decision has to be made kasi re my gown din.

watever kaver... (ika nga ng isa kong frend...haha)

pero if i go and mit mah baby...magastos. hahahaha. leche. mamya mabroke na nman ako nito. sana libre na lang ako ni anj. tangina ndi pako nakakasave!

pakshet...

ok lng. makkta ko nman sya.......hellurrr. bkt ko b pinoproblema ang ndi nman problema?!

o gumagawa lang me palusot para makapost?

o gus2 ko lang malaman nyo na naghihirap nako at masakit mata ko hehehe.

ksp lang cguro ako. hahahah. i miss anj na nga...cge na nga mit ko an sya. takte yan. screw the gowns!

tangina..im so bored. im doin the same shit everyday...i cant resign nman din and go to another company coz wala ding point dahil aalis na nman ako next year...

tangina...isa pa yan. ayoko na umalis ano ba. fuck nman o. i have 7 months left...tangina. antindi ng countdown...gusto ko maglayas!!!! ayoko umalis. gusto ko tumakbo, pumunta sa bohol or cebu or aurora...basta anywhere ndi ako mahahanap ng kung sino. so yung mga nabanggit kong places...ndi nyo nako mahahanap dyan in case maglayas ngako one time. hahahahahaha. as in. ndi nyo talaga ako mahahanap.

tangina..broke pako. iniisip ko nman san napupunta lahat ng nagastos ko? ok lng kay anj ung iba pero san na yung iba pa? ni ndi ko pa nga nabibilan sarili ko ng bagong bra o bagong rubber shoes!

ndi pa ngako bumibili ng facial wash para saken!!!

wala pako ginagastos for myself naubos na pera ko?

tangina yan.

kanina nga ndi ako kumain!!! AKO? NDI KUMAIN?

AKO BA TOH???

pucha. ni ayoko bilangin magkano na lng pera ko kasi feeling ko mas feel kong mauubos sya. basta ang alam ko puro bente lng mga bills na meron ako. and coins.

waaaaaaaaaaah! ayoko na. tangina.

fuck! my sister's gona be married to his long-time bf of 3 years. the wedding is on feb next year... who would've thought? the person i used to wrestle...beat up...bully all the time... is going to get married? when i found out about this....i didn't know what to do... should i cry? should i be happy. definitely...i wasn't happy. when she told me her bf proposed to her...i was like, "what!? are you ready?" and next thing i know i brushed her off. i made her leave my room w/o me saying a word.

why can't i be happy for her? i mean, what's wrong with me???

then yesterday, both of them talked to papa and told him about their plans. and...surprisingly...everyone was OK!

all except me.

it was shocking. papa was OK...mama was fine.

but i didn't know how to react...what to say...

maybe i'm kinda sad...coz she's my only sister. if she leaves me... i have no one left... no one to bully..........

it's still hard for the news to sink in... i still can't believe it.

but...one thing's for sure...i admired their courage... it's really kind of hard to muster up the courage to talk to my dad abt these stuff.

i realized that...i wanted the same thing. i wanted to be brave. i wish i could do the same...........

i realized... i could not lie abt me and anj anymore...i realized... i have to do something about this...about us.

is it just him who's scared? i guess...i'm also scared. but if we love each other...we have to admit it to them already.

if not......i think i'm not even in a relationship at all because it feels like i'm hiding. hiding what?

...and now i'm scared...of so many things...scared that anj might not want to present himself... and finally make my parents know that he exists in my life...

...i'm scared...that if this doesn't work out...that i might have to leave him....and scared of losing him...

...scared that i'll lose in touch w/ my sister...and be left all alone w/ my parents...

...scared of all the what-if's...

...before...all i ever wanted and wished for was to be left alone... to live independently...

now...it feels like...my wish is coming true... but the people i care about most and the people i want to stay in my life... are the ones who're going to leave me or will be leaving me soon...

or is it the other way around?..... =.(