i just heard from my baby that his doc asked his friend doc in australia to check my baby's medical test results. he showed the charts and xrays to the doctor..and the doc from australia said...his lesions are healing.... slowly healing....still...it's healing so it turns out that the medications are working. i'm just so thankful. thank YOU GOD! thank you for hearing my prayers... thank you for healing my baby. thank you for being there for him always! thank you for loving him...thank you for guiding him...thank you LORD! thank you Father... thank you God almighty!

i cannot take this pain anymore....somebody help me please.

as i learned everything about the sickness of my love...my baby... last night... as he told me every single detail on how extreme his condition is... a part of me died with every single word. my spirit numbed. my body weakened. my mind went blank. and all i can do is be this helpless person for him. all i can say is how much i love him. all i can say is how much i miss him. all i can do is be angry on how stubborn he is when he doesn't follow his doctor's orders.

i thought i can only see this happening in the movies. but it's happening right now to me. the unfairness of it all. why him? why does it have to happen to him? why me? all i can ask is why but i can get no answers right now. with every breath i take... i get so scared and frightened. last night i couldn't sleep. i'm the kind of person who can easily fall asleep. even if i'm not sleepy or if i'm sleepy... once my head hits my pillow, i'm gone. but last night, all i did was close my eyes and all i could see is this never-ending pain.... my whole body shook all night... scared of what could be happening to him with every single second that passed. i could not bare to think how my life would be when he's not with me...or when i know he'll be gone forever. whenever i think about it... i stop shaking and my entire body freezes. tears roll down without having to exert any effort at all. my mind could not reach any comprehension why this was happening... how this could happen... and what could happen next.

i'm just currently in a state of depression and utter numbness. for the very first time in my life, i couldn't find the meaning of my life. every single thing that i see seem more crisp... more vivid... but more surreal. every time i look at something... i'm more aware that it's actually there. then the more i wonder why is this thing here. why is this thing here and why not him beside me? all this time?? i thought i already felt lost before but i was wrong. this is how it really feels to be so lost. lost in the world of pain... and suffering.... you feel alone... you try to talk to people who can understand... but they could not possibly share what you're feeling right now. if it's physically possible to remove my heart and my mind from my body i would do it just so i won't be able to think and feel even for just a minute. then maybe it could help make me more weak because frankly i cannot take the pain anymore. for the very first time in my life i feel like i'm going to die at the thought of him going away.

...that's why i made a promise to God... that i will leave my baby alone... and move on... but keep my baby alive for his son. i'd rather be lost knowing he's somewhere out there, at least i will find my way in this world and feel more alive knowing that he's healthy and happy and alive... than be lost knowing i will never ever find him again.

what can i do to make God hear my pleas? sometimes i just want to shout but i know God will ignore it.... because i know He knows i'm just angry. i'm racking my brain on how i could help my baby... how i could convince God to keep him alive and convince God that i will not break my promise to Him? will i ever find peace inside of me? will i find some answers? will the answers comfort me? will the answers heal my baby? will it keep him alive? if he's gone... how will my heart heal? how will my spirit regain its strength? how will my body be as lively as it was before? no matter how much i come up with words to describe exactly how i'm feeling right now... it really won't do any justice at all. i leave all these feelings... inside me... and feel them... as long as i can still feel them... until maybe it eventually kills me.

it's confirmed...grabeh...

You scored as Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Congratulations! You are obsessive-compulsive! You know nothing curbs images of mutilating your mother like a good counting/checking/washing ritual... wait, DID you forget to turn off the stove???

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder 58% Borderline Personality Disorder 58% Unipolar Depression 33% Antisocial Personality Disorder 17% Eating Disorders 0% Schizophrenia 0% Which mental disorder do you have? created with QuizFarm.com

Nakakatawa talaga ang LOVE. Isa siyang napakalaking oxymoron. Lahat ng pwede mong masabi sa kanya, baliktarin mo at totoo pa rin.

Ang labo diba? Pero ang linaw.

Masaya magmahal. Malungkot magmahal. Di mo naiintindihan pero naiintindihan mo. Walang rason. Maraming rason. Di mo na kaya, pero kaya mo pa rin. Masakit magmahal. Pero okey lang. Teka, ano ba talaga?!

May kaibigan ako, sabi niya dati "Love is only for stupid people." Nakakatawa kasi cum laude ang standing niya, pero dumating ang panahon, na-in-love din ang hunghang. At ayun, tanga na siya ngayon. Lahat kasi ng nahahawakan ng love nagiging oxymoron din. O kaya paminsan, nagiging moron lang.

Hindi lang kasi basta baliktaran ang pag-ibig. Lahat ng bagay nababaligtad din niya. Lahat ng malalakas na tao, humihina. Ang mayayabang, nagpapakumbaba. Ang mga walang pakialam, nagiging Mother Teresa. Ang mga henyo, nauubusan ng sagot. Ang malulungkot, sumasaya. Ang matitigas, lumalambot. (At tumitigas din ang mga bagay na madalas nama'y malambot.)

Nakakatawa talaga. Lalo na kapag dumadating siya sa mga taong ayaw na talaga magmahal. Napansin ko nga eh. Parang kung gusto mo lang ma-in-love ulit, sabihin mo lang ang magic words na "Ayoko na ma-inlove!" biglang WACHA! Ayan na siya. Nang-aasar. Magpapaasar ka naman.

Di ba nakakatawa rin na pagdating sa problema ng ibang tao, ang galing galing mo? Pero 'pag problema mo na yung pinag-uusapan parang nawawalan ng saysay lahat ng ipinayo mo dun sa namomroblemang tao? Naiisip mong wala namang mali dun sa mga sinabi mo. Pero bakit parang wala ring tama?

Bali-baliktad din ang nasasabi ng mga taong tinamaan ng madugong pana ng pag-ibig. "Ngayon ko lang nalaman ganito pala. Sabi ko na eh!" "Ang sarap mabuhay. Pwede na 'ko mamatay. Now na!"

At hindi lang 'yon. Ang sarap din pagtawanan ng mga taong alam naman nilang masasaktan lang sila eh magpapatihulog pa rin sa bangin ng pag-ibig. Tapos 'pag luray-luray na yung puso nila, siyempre hindi sila yung may kasalanan. Siya! "Bakit niya 'ko sinaktan?" May kasama pang pagsuntok sa pader yon, at pagbabagsak ng pinto.

Ang labo talaga.

Mauubos ang buong magdamag ko kakasabi ng mga bagay na nakakatawa 'pag pag-ibig na ang pinag-usapan. Ang daming beses ko na kasi siya nakasalubong kaya masasabi ko nang eksperto na 'ko.

Pero wala pa rin akong alam.

Pero ang pinakanakakatawa sa lahat ay ang katotohanang kapag gusto magpatawa ng pag-ibig, ipusta na mo na lahat ng ari-arian mo dahil siguradong ikaw ang punchline.

Nakakatawa no?

Nakakaiyak.

Source: http://www.peyups.com/article.khtml?sid=2323

"Dear Goodbye"
by JC Chasez (Album: Schizophrenic)

Staring out, depressed about
What words I have to plead...
So... torn apart...

Shattered by impressions of
Confessions in defeat...
My... broken heart...

Crying, desperate, fighting
Questions scared to let go...

We used to be so beautiful...
But the days go by and...
Things get better

I'm weary from the war
I'm losing half my soul
But the days go by and...

Past the point of reasons
I just want you to believe...
That it's... not your fault...

Cry your eyes to sleep
It's like a thousand rainy nights...
Oh... drowning lows...

Photographs, the close up
What we had
Come undone...

Where did it all go wrong?
The days go by and...
Things get better

You hardened like a stone
To face the world alone
But the days go by and...
Things get better

Exhausted of apologies
In search of something comforting...
But the days go by and...
Things get better

Brought out the best and worst in me
You gave your all unselfishly...
But the days go by and...

Oh... I could never replace
All the tenderest moments
They will always live right here
Inside me...

My love will forever hold a place
For you...
That's why I'm so confused, yeah...

Baby, we used to be so beautiful
But the days go by and...
Things get better

I'm losing half my soul
To face the world alone...
But the days go by and...
Things get better

We're not the type to just give up
But I know that it's what's best for us...
The days go by and...
Things get better

We'll pass some crossing roads
Surviving on our own...
But the days go by and...

i love you my baby....forever...and ever...and ever...and ever...i love you...so much... i love you.