fuck! my sister's gona be married to his long-time bf of 3 years. the wedding is on feb next year... who would've thought? the person i used to wrestle...beat up...bully all the time... is going to get married? when i found out about this....i didn't know what to do... should i cry? should i be happy. definitely...i wasn't happy. when she told me her bf proposed to her...i was like, "what!? are you ready?" and next thing i know i brushed her off. i made her leave my room w/o me saying a word.

why can't i be happy for her? i mean, what's wrong with me???

then yesterday, both of them talked to papa and told him about their plans. and...surprisingly...everyone was OK!

all except me.

it was shocking. papa was OK...mama was fine.

but i didn't know how to react...what to say...

maybe i'm kinda sad...coz she's my only sister. if she leaves me... i have no one left... no one to bully..........

it's still hard for the news to sink in... i still can't believe it.

but...one thing's for sure...i admired their courage... it's really kind of hard to muster up the courage to talk to my dad abt these stuff.

i realized that...i wanted the same thing. i wanted to be brave. i wish i could do the same...........

i realized... i could not lie abt me and anj anymore...i realized... i have to do something about this...about us.

is it just him who's scared? i guess...i'm also scared. but if we love each other...we have to admit it to them already.

if not......i think i'm not even in a relationship at all because it feels like i'm hiding. hiding what?

...and now i'm scared...of so many things...scared that anj might not want to present himself... and finally make my parents know that he exists in my life...

...i'm scared...that if this doesn't work out...that i might have to leave him....and scared of losing him...

...scared that i'll lose in touch w/ my sister...and be left all alone w/ my parents...

...scared of all the what-if's...

...before...all i ever wanted and wished for was to be left alone... to live independently...

now...it feels like...my wish is coming true... but the people i care about most and the people i want to stay in my life... are the ones who're going to leave me or will be leaving me soon...

or is it the other way around?..... =.(