as i learned everything about the sickness of my love...my baby... last night... as he told me every single detail on how extreme his condition is... a part of me died with every single word. my spirit numbed. my body weakened. my mind went blank. and all i can do is be this helpless person for him. all i can say is how much i love him. all i can say is how much i miss him. all i can do is be angry on how stubborn he is when he doesn't follow his doctor's orders.

i thought i can only see this happening in the movies. but it's happening right now to me. the unfairness of it all. why him? why does it have to happen to him? why me? all i can ask is why but i can get no answers right now. with every breath i take... i get so scared and frightened. last night i couldn't sleep. i'm the kind of person who can easily fall asleep. even if i'm not sleepy or if i'm sleepy... once my head hits my pillow, i'm gone. but last night, all i did was close my eyes and all i could see is this never-ending pain.... my whole body shook all night... scared of what could be happening to him with every single second that passed. i could not bare to think how my life would be when he's not with me...or when i know he'll be gone forever. whenever i think about it... i stop shaking and my entire body freezes. tears roll down without having to exert any effort at all. my mind could not reach any comprehension why this was happening... how this could happen... and what could happen next.

i'm just currently in a state of depression and utter numbness. for the very first time in my life, i couldn't find the meaning of my life. every single thing that i see seem more crisp... more vivid... but more surreal. every time i look at something... i'm more aware that it's actually there. then the more i wonder why is this thing here. why is this thing here and why not him beside me? all this time?? i thought i already felt lost before but i was wrong. this is how it really feels to be so lost. lost in the world of pain... and suffering.... you feel alone... you try to talk to people who can understand... but they could not possibly share what you're feeling right now. if it's physically possible to remove my heart and my mind from my body i would do it just so i won't be able to think and feel even for just a minute. then maybe it could help make me more weak because frankly i cannot take the pain anymore. for the very first time in my life i feel like i'm going to die at the thought of him going away.

...that's why i made a promise to God... that i will leave my baby alone... and move on... but keep my baby alive for his son. i'd rather be lost knowing he's somewhere out there, at least i will find my way in this world and feel more alive knowing that he's healthy and happy and alive... than be lost knowing i will never ever find him again.

what can i do to make God hear my pleas? sometimes i just want to shout but i know God will ignore it.... because i know He knows i'm just angry. i'm racking my brain on how i could help my baby... how i could convince God to keep him alive and convince God that i will not break my promise to Him? will i ever find peace inside of me? will i find some answers? will the answers comfort me? will the answers heal my baby? will it keep him alive? if he's gone... how will my heart heal? how will my spirit regain its strength? how will my body be as lively as it was before? no matter how much i come up with words to describe exactly how i'm feeling right now... it really won't do any justice at all. i leave all these feelings... inside me... and feel them... as long as i can still feel them... until maybe it eventually kills me.