why is it so hard to think about something... especially if that something...is about to change your life forever... and that something is what you have been dreading and avoiding... something that you don't ever want to happen.

every time i think about leaving...... another part of me rots...and dies...

i feel weaker everyday. and sicker everyday.

time won't ever stop. i just hear every second ticking away... i feel more helpless and hopeless.

every time i think about the people so close to my heart... especially the one closest to my heart........ i sometimes pray for some meteor to just fall fast from the sky and go through the roof just above my room and hit me in the head real hard.

kind of harsh... but really it's something that might be less painful than what i'm feeling right now.

losing him is something that i really never wanted to think about and dared to even imagine again since i already experienced not having him in my life last year.........

and it was a part of my life that i just try to repress...... because my life then was empty.... and i loved him so much even if i thought i would never ever see him again...

but lately...realizing that i have to accept the awful truth and painful fuckin reality......that maybe... JUST MAYBE......... no matter what i do...no matter how hard i try..... things just won't go my way.

like right now, i feel like everything that i hold dear...... everything that i want to protect is slowly slipping away from my hands............

worse is...the past keeps on haunting me. no matter where i go...no matter where i turn...i see it. and i feel it. and i'm sick of it.

i'm already tired, physically and mentally, i'm emotionally exhausted....i'm already so fuckin weak.......... and no one's giving me strength... nothing and no one is giving me the inspiration to even muster up the strength to go on.

never in my life have i realized that everything that's happening in my life.... everything that i fear...and everything that i have to do from now on.... feels more like, in itself...a suicide.

if i do this....it's like i'm ending my life.....

the life i loved so much. the life i want to have. the life where the people i love are just there........the life that keeps me alive.

even if i fight this............i'm bound to just give up.

the more i fight...the more i will lose....

if i already tried slowly to accept last year that he won't ever come back to me... and i won't ever see him...

then maybe this time... i just have to imagine how my life was last year...

i already experienced it... so i know i could... just try it out again...

i mean... how much harder could it be....?

last year i felt empty... what's happening now is already killing me...

so maybe after all of these... i won't ever feel a thing.