Pano ko kaya malalagpasan... ang isang bagay na iniiwasan ko mangyari? Ayoko siya iwan... pero ayoko rin na tumambay sa kanya... at hayaan lang niya na andyan ako lagi para sa kanya--dahil lang sa AWA. Iniisip ko kasi minsan baka naaawa lang siya saken. O di kaya naman baka iniisip niya na "SAYANG EH". Ganon na lang bako? Ganon na lang ba ang halaga ko? Am I that pathetic? Don't I deserve to be loved? Don't I deserve to be treated with respect?

Alam ko kasi na kasalanan ko din ito. Kasi HINAYAAN ko rin na mangyari ito. Iniisip ng ibang tao kasi na ganon nako kadesperado. OMG. What a shame naman diba. While I really don't care what other people think about me...... what bothers me now is that, I'm starting to think like them. I'm starting to doubt myself. And I'm starting to wonder if I did all of this out of "desperation"???

Buti na lang... when I really thought long and hard about it... I proved them and myself wrong. I would not go through all of this shit... if I didn't love him so much. If I was desperate for love... I would have searched for it from anyone. I realized... I'm not afraid to be single. Nakayanan ko naman na wala siya for 5 months. I WAS CERTAIN I wouldn't get to see him again. EVER. But I survived. Actually, I was already slowly moving on... because I was falling for a certain guy who I have known already for quite awhile. I think what I am really afraid of is... to be in a relationship but in the end... realize that it never really was a real relationship. You have invested so much emotion and time in one person... but in the end you realize that it never really mattered. THAT's what I'm afraid of. Afraid of being the one soooo in love with that certain someone... but knowing in the end... that you're the fool. The ONLY fool. I hate one-sided foolish love. I fuckin abhore the idea.

I also realized one thing... maybe HE'S THE ONE who's afraid of being single. That's why he's keeping me as his fall back. Just in case the other one doesn't work out... here's Nikki... at least I have a back-up. Orrr... if I get tired of Nikki... I have this gal, who by the way I can enjoy more and who knows, I could score her or sumthin... not like HER. I don't think I can get anything from her anyway. I mean... I feel like I KNOW he's that kind of guy. You wanna know why? Well I thought he already changed for the better. But DUHHH... he keeps stuff from me STILL... he lies to my face......... who knows? He might still be the same person I knew back then. Or even before we met! He can do stuff w/o me knowing... God knows what he might have done already... or could be doing now. I mean... WHO can stop him? WHAT could probably stop him from doing shitty things when he knows he could get away with it? Right?

Come to think of it... it does make sense. At home, we always have a back-up. We have 4 TVs... in case one stops working... we have 3 left. We have 3 PCs... in case one crashes... I can use my dad's PC or my sister's PC. We have LOTS of remote controls, electric fans, etc...

GAWIN BAKONG EXTRA???

Pota.

Does my happiness ever matter? Does HE care? If he doesn't care... then I need MY help. I have to help myself be happy then. Pota... siya na lang ba lagi source of happiness ko? Now THAT'S pathetic. It's time for me to be strong. And I think I am strong enough... coz I don't want to live like this forever. Live like I'm just one stinkin shit with flies all over.